Alone in this world

Your words are sins that leave me feeling lethal

Propane Strong, and the smell eats you

But will it get through?

All of a sudden i feel i dont need you

I tried to be kind like Ghandi did to his peoples

You took advantage of what was at heart instead of mind,

I dont know what to call your kind

Confronting, conversation, impatient thats you

Im feeling consequencial, never suicidal

I should of examined this picture

It feels like world war one

drained and unfortunaly insane but i cant complain

I got the pieces that remain

Raged and eager in pain

Reality wont ever be the same.

As I reminisce its a shame and your name dont deserve a frame

Your existance damaged my brainI try to concentrate but your name is infratuated

And its exausting me, I thought I walked on this road cautiously

I should of stopped when the signs warned me

And now im alone in this world

Ps. I entered this poem in a poetry jam =]. This a throw back

Suicidal

The crowd surrounds me as they realize my physical mistake.
Im sitting in an oven and they're letting me bake.
I was warned but my head was to far out
and now im lost tossing about.
Watch those around you is what several say
I walk with no caution, going the wrong way.
Situations changing and the picture is too
& now im unaware of what to do
True colors show when you have no air to grasp
And instead of being first you end up last.
Life moves to fast and time sometimes move slow
So when it comes to certain people you just have to let go
Instead of making things work 
You just gotta let it flow
But ever think about in order to flow
It's yourself you gotta let go.


P.s This is how some people feel before they become suicidal. Im not suicidal dont get the wrong impression its just writing from a different perspective. However, you have the learn to rise about the negatives in order to see a better tomorrow.

Struggles

There are struggles yet to overcome
and when it comes to mistakes
We'll make more then one
Never let struggles serve as a guide
because they'll put you in a disguise and 
allow those to harshly describe.
Don't allow them to forsee because they'll
begin to make you question who you should be
A friend yet a enemy
that you shall not think of letting in


P.s As they say life is like a roller coaster but people fail to realize that even though you drop you'll eventually come back up.- Spencer

I am me

Life is a beautiful thing when you dare to be yourself. Especially when you're transitioning from fitting in to standing out from everyone else.-Spencer

12/14/08-09

Countless days I could almost remember
Being in your arms or you in mine.
What separated us is time.
You wanted things your way
and I wanted things to be mine
But we happened to come to the conclusion
everything would be fine.
Forever, we said it would be
You and me eternally but 
Rough times came as you played games
Bringing me to my pain and before we knew
things weren't the same.
We shxtted on each other but still we came back
Releasing secrets and made me recap
I promised i wouldn't go back
I never knew broken hearts could exist 
until i met you and its crazy what words really do
Smiles and laughs we had to
but how you hurt me & i would still go back
Thats how i knew i really loved you
My tears could have created oceans
I knew I was open
You're the reason why my heart is frozen 
But still i admired,
I admired your flaws which shall never expire
causing a selfush desire
Well i had to burn out this fire
bcause my heart had been invaded 
In october the month we seperated.


Ps. This was written on 12/14/09 b.c me & my ex would have made a year but this goes to show that things happen. People come and go, & there;s gonna be more then one time people get hurt.

=]

After a day of sitting down over analyzing and rethinking things over
I feel so much better.
Thanks for everyone who encouraged me to do better. 
& think about reconsidering. 
I wasnt fooling no one but myself because I dont ever give up ! 
Ever, because failure is not ever a option ! 
Also ones failure is anothers success with that bein said
Im pretty sure you guys get the point =].
I love life and the few in it. 


P.s Live, Laugh, Love<--If you choose but preferably like lol =]. & as I always say life is what you make it and people are what yu allow them to become

Haiku

Life is a nice thing
Just cherish every moment
& you will be good
          

How im feeling

I really havent been feeling like myself lately.
I dont know what it is or whats going on within me
but a negative stream got me flowing with it.
Im constantly battling with myself to stay positive about anything
Basketball has always been my biggest motivation and love
& I feel like im giving up on that too. 
I know no one can do anything for me but shxt is just real hard.
Im constantly struggling and Im at the point where I really just 
want to give up. No motivation talk or anything. 
Its just hard an complicated. Im only writing this because i cant talk 
to no one because I doubt anyone will even understand. 
Writing is something i always fell back on when words couldnt come out
but its like im giving up on this too. 
ah! I know life is what yu make it but how can someone make the best 
when shxt feels all negative around them?


P.s & i always told myself never let them see you sweat because thats exactly what they want. Im not sweating but damn sure feel like it. I know ima get through this. 

"Dare to be different"

  I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones- John Cage

Life-Henry Ford

        "Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger even though its hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward. "

Something Special Someone wrote to me =]

There aree a thOusandd tearss tO a smiilee andd there are a thOusandd peOplee Outt there tO makee iitt wOrthh whiilee.



Whiilee ii wuss hOmee remmiiniisen abOutt thee tiimess iin thee pastt, everytiimee yOu wrOtee mee ii cracked a smiilee andd lauqhh =)


Love iiss sumthiinqq yOu takee yOu hOldd iin yahh heartt fOrevah nOe matter whatt thiinqqss aree thee Outt cOme. my heartt iiss chaiinedd upp w. thiiss speciiall lOckk thatt Onlyy One persOn can Open!*


ii qavee myy heartt tO manyy andd camee backk w. nuffiin iin thee endd, butt wen ii lOOk att yOu ii wunnaa fiiqhtt thiiss shiitt tiill thee endd evenn w. all siins!*


ii`vee pushedd thiinqqss iinn myy liifee becauusee ii thOuqhtt ii wuss makeiinqq shiitt riiqhtt,butt all ii diid wuss makee iitt wOrst, thenn yOu can alOnqq andd shiinedd iitt sO briiqhtt!* andd iimaa stiill keep pushiinqq because ii Onlyy thiink iitss riiqhtt, butt ii wantt yOu tO bee byy myysiidee tiill ii hiitt thee liiqhtt.


ii been iinn thee darkness fOr tO lOnqq nOww andd yOu aree my leader sO lead the wayy. tiimess aree qOiinqq tO bee hardd becausee Of thee amOuntt Of spacee.


yOu aree thee batteryy tO myy flash liiqhtt andd w. Outt yOu ii cOulddntt see. thiinqqs seemedd bluryy tO mee becausee all ii wuss seeiinqq wuss shiitt ii cOuldntt bee!*


Wenn ii Openn myy eyess ii realiizedd thatt there sOmethiinqq abOutt yOu thattss makeiinqq mee wantt yOu mOre andd mOre, andd thatt yOur kiindness. thiinqqss iinn liifee dOntt cOmee thatt easyy butt yOu camee thrOuqh myy wiindOww liikee sOmee Onee flew yOu iin andd sentt yOu tO mee andd nOww iitss thiiss bliindness thatt upOnss mee.


As tiime qOess byy andd ii walk awayy ii lOOk att yahh facee andd sayy, there iss Onlyy One thiinqq iinn
thhiiss wOrldd that ii wOUldd ask fOr andd thattss tO havee yOu andd manyy mOree.

Your loss

i forgave you even though you were a sin in disguise



I was nieve which brought me to this pain as i think of your lies


My heart was too tied up My concious thouhgt i'd see


But instead your existance just blinded me


I know they say life goes on and things happen


But how can i manage


If it was ur air that i was constantly graspin?


Keep it pushing is what they'll say


You deserve better anyway


But yet they dont understand.


When i was falling down i was grabbing your hand.


You knew but you refused to let me know


You still love me in your own way


but because the lust of another you gota let me go


Let me flow like the waves in a ocean.


You had a nigga open heart swollen


When thigns hit me i thought my air ways was closing.


Im happy though. I realized


I realized your were a ignorant bxtch in disguise


Opening my eyes from that dream i was dreaming.


So i thank you for all the pain you caused


Because now im saying Its your loss.


You'll pay the cost as karma hits you


Leaving you a mark


& by then you'll be something i forgot.
 
P.s People never realize what they got until they long gone and done moved on.

Some day I'll realize.

Chance, everyone always talks of chance including me 

If you dont take chance then one is less likely to see what could be. 

Chance, something i let slip away because instead of her 

you;re on my mind day to day.

The problem is my heart points one way 

whispering with yu is where it will stay.

Sometimes i want to go away, so you can see 

you cant always take advantage of me. 

It hurts me!

It hurts me to think about the past and we said forever we will last?

It hurts me to know that the one who loves me loves another the same way, 

but knowing this still i stay, 

and yu act as if im just some game you play

I dont want it to, but its on my mind up to this day. 

This pain is unpleasurable and I dont mean to throw it in your face 

but this shxt is something dat cant be erased.

I love you i swear i do 

its just hard to accept the fact and let it flow. 

but In my heart i know im nieve and eventually i'll just have to let you go. 


P.s sometimes the strongest thing to do is let go even if you dont want to. Like marilyn monroe said 
its better to be unhappy alone rather then unhappy with someone.

I thought i loved you,
But i think i lied.
For every time i smiled
I also cried.
You made me happy 
Yet you made me sad.
Thought you were everything
But you remind me of sumone i had.
I thought you were different
But you proved me right.
You proved you're not worth the fight.
So im turning off this light and saying goodnight.

Mind & heart

You stole the spot light
You and her came to light
dimming my light.
I thought i was ready
My heart warned me
But i followed my mind
& its your hand i cant find.
You said forever
My heart said nothing last that long
I disobeyed and like a game 
I got played.
You made me want to run in my grave
At a early age.
But god sent me an angel
and i got saved
I was at the edge
Ready to jump off
Nobody would have considered
Its would be just another life loss.
I would have gave it all up
But whats anything without trust?

Lonely Assassin

Back where i started
Another dead end
Look at certain faces 
& I wana go further in
A detailed lie is always told
As you look further 
The truth unfolds
back to where fairy tales are told,
Back to where people dont care,
Back to where I turn
And see no body there
Careless days passing
For, I am the lonely assassin

Life.

Life aint no dream
You can just depend on
You come into this world
& quickly be gone.
We are challenged
We are confused,
We are hurt,'
We are abused
Abandoned and used.
Nobody ever said
"Its going to be easy"
Life is rough, but we manage to get through
Being perfect 
Is simply being imperfect.
Sometimes we feel living aint worth it'
But just know your on this earth for a purpose.


Ps. Dont let the negatives break or make you. Just let your dreams take you , and dont let no one stop you! 

Something to consider

In the end what we regret most are the chances we never took.

Random Thought

& people fail to realize. Life is what yu make it and people are what yu allow them to make themselves in your life. No one has control over your life & the decisions you guarentee yourself but you. Judgement shouldnt be anything. Who's real will accept you just the way you are. simple =]-

5 random things

1.Never trust a nigga saying trust me.
2.10% of life is decisions you make but 90% is how you react to them
3.Life is not complicated, its the people you allow in your life who makes it complicated.
4.Everything eventually comes to an end even life its self.
5.Why is the past called the past , when its always knocking at your door?

Untitled

& sometimes I just wish you would understand
I may not be the best part of life but just take my hand
Im not perfect and theres things yet to see
However our hearts even says we're meant to be.
No matter how much we push away
Never admitting to wanting to stay
Because we're trying so hard to go our own way.
Things only become so much more complicated
& its so painful, i really hate it.
Damn, I just wish we never dated.
Maybe its not right to feel that way
But what more do you leave me to say?
I wish it was so easy and simple
But i guess its not
Tryna be on my lil wayne status so you can be something i forgot.
Somethings are really hard to cope with
I cant believe you puttin me through this shxt.
I dont get it!
Everything is right but you claim its wrong
But i can no longer hold on
So im saying So long cause im gone.




P.s Never make someone a priority when your just an option. sometimes you have to sit back and observe the picture before you can actually get the frame.

Just a New York girl.

So just when everything is going good & im situated I get a call im coming back to Ny. I met alot of people within my two weeks of school. Literally the whole school knew me and of me. They called me "New York". Coach Wheeler really looked forward to having me this season but things happen, and I have no choice on whether I can stay or not. Regardless of what, Im going to make the best of what comes my way and enjoy my senior year in New York. I guess im just a Nw York girl.


P.s Things happen for a reason even if you dont know that reason.

The better of Georgia.

Georgia is not as bad as I made it seem. Obviously I was a little home sick. Once you get use to the people and come off on the good foot, things flow. As i focus more on what it is I have to do things just come off better each day. I love it. The people are becoming more familiar with me but I guess its not really about them its about what I need to get done. Its just cool and the journey begins here. =] However i will be visiting New York occasionally. New Yorkers look out for me! Trust im coming up. Ga is live man! livin it up. Oh yeah i made varsity for the volleyball team =D.


P.S Dont spend time focusing on what you dont have. Appreciate what you do have, and run while you have the chance to. One life, live it to the fullest with no regrets.

Also shout out to my computer class, drama class and volleyball team. Might Mustangs! lol & of course Rage!

How things are in Georgia.

So far things is iight not better then New York though. Its experience but people out here are way to nosy but hey if they to nosy then why give an answer right? Guess it falls down on that person right? However classes out here suck! Who has only 4 classes that last 1 hour 15 min? Obviously out here. For all of this i could have stayed in New York but its too late now. Im out here already might as well make the best of it. ALSO! you have to pay for EVERYTHING out here, like damn just make black people look even worse! No mean to stereo type or anything. But yeah. I miss the good old city even though i use to be a country girl. At least out there in New York femals know they place out here they just test you until you literally beat the shxt out of them hopefully that dont happen with me =]. Im a cool individual and those who know me knows that. But yeah I'll keep you blog readers updated on my experience out here. =]

Ps. Dont let one bad day ruin your whole experience just because one day is ruined dont me they all are going to be ruined. Make the best of what you have.

You lied to me, Whether it was minor or major
I feel played but yet & still its my space I let yu invade.
I Feel like im trapped in a cave surrounded by a maze
& yet you watch me.
Its like yu cuttin me out of a picture Yu cropped me
You got me.
I let you run because i couldnt catch up
& like a volcano i slowly erupt.
Piece by piece and still you watch me.
Now i remember,
I remember why i hide when i see a rock
Because People like you.
When they get something good they take it for granted
But its my fault, im still floating
I never even landed.

A new beginning

Its two days until I leave for Georgia. Once again relocating & this time i can actually say im excited. Its great to get a new experience other then in New York. New York is cool and very convenient its just the people that sometimes make things more complicated. The people in the South are much more friendly then us out here in the North. I can't wait to get a taste of what experience challenges and obstacles await me in Georgia. I will make the best of what ever come my way and definitly hope to come back with a D1 schlarship =]. Success, change and a new beginning awaits me.


P.s If you get a great opportunity to take, take it and run with it.

Relationships is what you make em.

Relationships are sometimes hard to maintain
One can be a page ahead
& there emotions aren't the same.
Those around you is who
you try to entertain
Though your relationship is hard to maintain.
Dont only observe the frame
Observe the whole picture.
They say love is pain
BUt when you become blind to what matters
You go insane because thats
When the picture can no longer fit the frame
you feel the pain,
And Have no umbrella for the rain.
Ok some have to much pride
But that dont mean cause the last did it
When yu see a rock you have to hide.
Not everyone is the same.
And as long as you two are in it together
The special bond will remain.

P.s People fail to realize a relationship is what you make it. Not others around you. Remember not everyone wants to see people happy specially when they want that one they cant have. Its what you make it real talk.

smile even when you dont want to

One's failure is anothers sucess
Emphasize yourself like colors
Stand out from the rest

Gloomy days turns skies gray
Cloud fade away and rain will
Hit the window

Friends, Significant others will hurt you
Decisions will leave you torn
People will lead you on
And those you thought were close to you will be gone.
There will be days you wont know what to do
But you have to smile even when you dont want to.

Grades will drop
Self esteem may too
Dont let peer pressure disguise you.
Another day you wont know what to do just
Remember smile even when you dont want to.

They'll laugh and smile in your face
Bring you memories and pain that cant be erased
You'll go through a phase
Where you dont know whether to stay
And the rain wont go away.
A phase where you dont know what to do
Just smile even when you dont want to.

P.s Never let anyone see you sweat. Thats exactly what they want.

dad you disappoint me

Dad are you leaving my life
once more
Its been months
and still no call
Did you tell me things i wanted to hear
Knowing that you really dont care?
Dad. . .
Why do you lie?
When you lie, it makes me cry
Bringing tears to my eyes.
And you didnt bother to watch me grow up
17 years and now your here?
When i needed you
you wasnt there
And now in my heart
I fear. . .
All of a sudden You reappear
Keep hurting my heart
Like its some dare.
You said you'll be there
You're a phone call away
I dont even know what to say
You kidnapped me when i was two
And still i barely even know you.
I let you get to my head
But when i look at you
It seems as if your dead.
Dad, you disappoint me. .

Its not what you are, Its who you are.

People often stereotype against gay individuals.


I personally feel, there's bigger things and problems in life then to sit


discriminate and ridicule on those of the gay society.


Some people can have the biggest heart & get treated like a lesser due to


sexual preference and it isnt right what so ever.


Why judge on what or who they like. That does not determine or make


someone who they are. There's a big difference in heart and mind


& people find themselves in war with the mind and heart constantly.


People who are Homophoebic need to get over themselves.


& accept the fact that they cant change or tell some one how they should feel.


People judge a book by its cover but its not what you are


its who you are.


People what do you think about this?


Let me know.

Love isn't forced

If someone chooses to walk out on your life.
Let em'. People come and go when they go you have to let them go.
Love isnt forced it just flows and it isnt a phase it grows.
Love is more than caring for someone in months.
Its loving someone for a lifetime.
Its about working out the problems & have a understanding.
If you dont want to deal with that then I guess you dont want love.
And you cant work out the problems your going to wind up by yourself complaining how you cant find a love.


Ps.This was inspired by my teamate/big sister Tyler